#10 Becoming a Father
18 months ago, I became a father. I cannot speak for Sandra’s feelings as a mother as I feel any description would not reflect the intense reality or respect I have for her devotion to our son, Noah. Personally, I find it difficult to describe my emotions in an unfettered fashion because they are muddled by how I think I should feel, measured against what I do feel. I have lived most of my life away from my father and although our relationship has grown in recent years, I can recall few moments in my childhood that involved my father or any father figure for that matter. I have always wanted to be a father but when I became one, a sense of unease punctured my awareness. This feeling comes from the realisation that I have absolutely no idea what I am doing and from this moment forward, Noah will look to me as a guide to mould his own sense of self in this world. When Sandra was pregnant, we were often asked about our feelings on becoming parents but I could never really get to the heart of how I felt without resorting to simplifications like excitement. Of course, excitement was certainly one ingredient of my emotional stew but there was also wariness, concern and a sense of dissonance between my feelings compared to the far more visceral experience of being an expectant mother.
I recently posed this same question to a close friend who is expecting his first child and his answer reminded me of my own experience. He said the feelings hadn’t really kicked in and that he was in a state of perpetual bracing. Even as I held Noah in my hands moments after he left his sanctum, there was a surreal and ephemeral quality to my feelings. Truth is, Noah’s birth did not unlock any new ‘fatherly’ emotions. These emotions did eventually arrive - when I shared his excitement of taking his first steps or when I comforted him after a stumble. It turns out that fatherhood is a process of becoming and not just being. It didn’t feel real to me when Noah was born because I wasn’t yet a father in a meaningful sense. To be a father requires learning, not only of the child but also of myself. It has prompted me to understand my own patterns and how they may affect Noah. I am of the view that my own actions and behaviour will have a far greater impact than my words and instructions on guiding Noah to become the man he will be one day.
Becoming a better father requires me to becomes a better husband, son, sibling, friend and actively pursue self-knowledge and my own dreams so that my son can permit himself to be all of those things one day. Fatherhood isn’t one thing, it is many things that require persistent learning and adaptation to the needs of our children and their surroundings. My role is to ensure that my son grows up with the tools to confidently navigate his world and thrive in it.
Of course, there is something else I haven’t mentioned. One day, Noah may also become a father and the father I am to him will greatly influence the father he will be to his children. With that thought, I know if I don’t achieve anything else, I’d like to be remembered as a present father. The last few lines of Harry Chaplin’s cautionary song Cat’s in the Cradle comes to mind
He’d grown up just like me.
My boy was just like me.
I am grateful to my father, however flawed he may be and to all the father figures who inspires me to be a better father, my wife’s father Gerd being amongst them.
To all the fathers who are trying their best.
